my dad MADE these :D
he calls them "lid-iya"
i love them <3
holiday time in my life is always interesting.
and this year is no exception.
too much to deal with and no way of coping, really. i found out that my grandpa is getting admitted into a nursing facility. i can't even find the energy to cry about it anymore. it's the saddest thing that i've had to deal with in a loooong time. :( it makes me not even want to be around anyone, to be honest. which is probably the opposite thing that i should be doing at this time, but geez i just don't want to deal with the reality of the HUGE change that this is going to bring to our family. my dad just dropped everything he was doing yesterday and drove 4 hours to be with my grandma [his mom] which i am at least thankful that he did that. if he wouldn't have realized the importance of being here for family at this terrible time, i would have had to seriously question his judgement. but i don't have to, which is good. so today is supposedly the day that my grandpa moves from a hospital room to the nursing facility, and i just don't know if i can go to the place where his mother's health and mind deteriorated to the point where she didn't even recognize who we were. granted, it's already kind of like that with him, but at least it was in his own home, around the things that he is familiar with. this is just going to be so hard to go visit him in a room [probably shared with another ailing elderly person] to "visit". and my grandma. it's going to kill her. her "partner in crime" is essentially gone. i can't even fathom a loss like that. at their house they have side by side recliners, and i just keep thinking about her at home sitting in hers, looking over to where he's been sitting next to her for the past forever, and him not being there. holy crap, how can someone deal with such change. so my sister and i decide that we're going to have to be the ones there for her, since my dad is hours away and we usually see him 2-3 times a year. man, i really hope that changes, because life is only so short, and why spend it regretting doing everything that you should have done while you had the chance.
so now, i am just sitting at the mercy of my family waiting on the news that he's being moved. in the meantime plans are also to go out for my "justice" side of the family christmas. i really don't even get along with most of these people anymore, and the few people i do want to see will hopefully make it worthwhile. i get to open gifts that i've picked out myself, and act surprised. hah great fun. i love my grandpa though, he's the greatest. we get to dine on pizza hut and kfc chicken. a family tradition for the past forever. we're so classy.
i can feel my depression kicking in hardcore. i have no friends, i hardly hear from any of the ones i would remotely call "acquaintances", i am in the worst shape of my life, and i am sick.
happy hanukkah or whatever.
thanks "holidays". love you too.
send my regards to the
normal people who actually enjoy this time of year.
